Grateful for the pause

61A93698-6105-4D3C-B063-D70BC6A62868B6CCF4ED-9793-47BD-8EAC-062BB3906C02It’s raining.

no thunder.

All of the windows are fogged because of the AC, so I’m sitting on my front porch with the pups.


and now the rain is gone. It was just a short “storm” that I am grateful for. It was a gift, causing a moment of pause.

and now… a rainbow.

faint, but there.





and now… it too is gone. So easily missed had I not looked up.

now … as if in a “glass half empty/half full” moment… the sky is divided straight down the middle…

blue and clear on one side… cloudy and gray on the other.

symbolic messages all around me.

and as I sit here trying to process and enjoy it all, the dogs are pacing,circling, panting, and shaking.  Staring at me with fearful eyes.

Yesterday was the 4th of July and they were pretty traumatized. This rain to them means thunder and scary loud noises.

another lesson…

because of their past experiences they fear the present instead of seeing it for what it really is.  A nice quiet moment.

Years ago, in the midst of a full blown panic attack, I came up with a mantra to say over and over again to help pull myself out of the dark tunnel called fear.  The one where every possible bad thought imaginable is coming at me from all around, and my body is telling me to be ready for it all.

it is simply…

I can not fear, what is not here.

i use it still… to redirect my thoughts to focus on only the moment at hand.  And I’ve learned over the years that the “Moment” …

is always manageable.


and now… in an instant… it all has passed.

the storm, the rainbow, the calm and the fear.

the clouds are still lingering… but mostly I see beautiful Carolina blue sky…

it is brilliant,    And I am grateful for the pause.

What if…

What if I actually used this blog… what if I just wrote… without trying to impress?

What if I didn’t care about looking perfect to everyone who sees  this?

Are there others out there? Bloggers that are real?  That don’t spend hours writing and rewriting… hours making themselves look “perfect” … hours getting the perfect photo or video that are planned out and cropped perfectly so you don’t get the real world in the shot.

What if I revisited the idea of sharing myself completely as an exercise in trust in mankind… or of valuing myself just the way I am… to reveal the real side of life…. or best of all … attempting to appreciate every part of this big picture.

The beautiful… the mess…everything .72F8C44D-982A-4723-9A8F-6992B7141C45 The missed shot… the weird face… the wrinkles and age spots ?

What if we all shared the dirt on the floor and the weeds in our manicured lawns?

There, for certain, are times in life ,in order to survive, we have to crop out all the crap. Create ourselves a sort of narrow lense to find the beauty struggling to be seen.

But … when used too often, a whole other world is created… an ultra idealistic


fake world.



I don’t want to be fake.

What about you?

Necessary Priorities

Jane is so creative.

I’ve heard that my whole life.

And never believed it.

Because I’ve never allowed myself to be creative.

So what is creativity?

In my mind,   A creative mind is a busy mind.       And often a crazy mind.

I walk around every day,  all day , creating things in my mind.   Ideas,  paintings,  poems, businesses, events,  products… I have so many “ what if we did this..” . or “someone should do that..” . floating around up there!

It’s maddening.


It’s no wonder I feel like I’m losing my mind half the time.  Early Alzheimer’s??? Hormonal brain lapse???   Ummm no?  Can’t use those excuses because I’ve been this way all my life.

Of course I Do use those excuses ,    often.

But, I’m not talking the usual … walk into another room and forget what you came for … or …. can’t find your glasses that are sitting a top your head…  pffft!!!  child’s play.


I’m talking

Showing up at a very important event ,5 hours away ,a full day early !!!

Yep.     Did that.

Try laughing THAT one off with dignity!

You see… my mind is never at rest.  Never clear, even for a moment.   Because I see the potential in EVERYTHING!


you’re throwing that away??? I can make something out of that!

It also doesn’t help that I am a die hard “do-it-yourselfer” but that’s a whole other topic.


My problem is not that I have so many ideas,    it’s that I never learned to actually make those ideas a priority.  To give them focus and life ! So they can get the hell out of my head and stop sucking the life outta me !

Up until now I’ve  alway put everything and everyone else in my life ahead of my creativity.  For awhile it was out of necessity, like, paying the bills, or raising the kids. But I really could have made the time for myself.  If I’m honest, I didn’t just put others ahead of me… I actually replaced them for me. I wasn’t even in the picture. I think it was easier than trying to organize and manage all those ideas. And it sure as hell was safer. No chance in failing or looking stupid if you don’t try.. am I right?

So all those years of stuffing down and shoving back those amazing ideas and thoughts have created a “creativity frustrated “ mind. ( I couldn’t even think of the word “frustrated“ SERIOUSLY! I actually had to walk away for a moment to pull that incredibly advanced adjective outta my brain) L.M.A.O!!!


out of necessity now, so I don’t lose my mind, I will give those creative thoughts priority!

That is really what this blog will be for me. To let it out. To share it all. To hold myself accountable for deciding to take a chance and see where all those ideas will take me in this second chapter of my life.

At this wonderful age I don’t give a shit about failing, or looking stupid.  When you get to your 50’s you start to see the end. You start to realize your time here is getting increasingly shorter.  And the worse thing you can think of is not failure, it’s wasting the  talents you’ve been given.

For now on my priorities will be my health, and letting my creative thoughts out!!! To come to life!

Because after my day early arrival at that event I spoke of earlier…

CLEARLY the two are connected .



An introvert’s Christmas at the farm

THIS…. will be our very first Christmas in our new home.

This year… will be the first in nearly 25 years I will not be running around town dodging the traffic, shoppers, weather, and my anxiety.

This year… I will be enjoying the peaceful space that has finally manifested into our reality.

I’ve been fantasizing of living in the country on a simple little farm , in a quaint little farmhouse all of my life.  My spirit needs It.  It craves it.  And for the last 10 years especially, it’s been screaming for it.

My husband and I joke that I could go into town once a month for “provisions” and be perfectly happy.

Two and a half years ago , on one of our Sunday drives out in the country… we found the perfect spot. Ten acres, just outside of town , down a dirt road, surrounded by pecan trees , horses, farm land, and good people.

The process hasn’t been easy, but through it all … its been right.  And now, here I am. Waking up in the home I designed, to the most beautiful foggy view out the bedroom window.  A cup of coffee at the kitchen table with the morning  sun shining in through the kitchen window. Just as I’d planned.

So…. This Christmas I am doing what I love. Not what the world says I should. I will listen to music. I will bake a few cookies. I will walk my property and collect the gifts from nature and make Christmas decorations. I will be my introverted self and make no apologies. Christmas shopping and  parties are not for me. I have done it all for the ones that I Love year after year. But at this age, in this time of my life,  those loved ones by now Know my love and they understand what my soul needs.

My Christmas wish for you all is that you create in your life what your soul needs.  Feed your soul so that you don’t lose sight of  what this time is about. If we burn ourselves out , we have nothing left to give.  Consider less things and more moments to treasure. For those of us who already have what we need and so much more , how about we find the ones who don’t, and spend your time and money on them.


will be here.

Thankful beyond words for all the years, challenges, hard work and dreams that have landed me here…

where my soul is fed.

Just Start

Well! I’ve been wanting to start this blog for quite a while now. Unbelievably… I created the site almost a year ago, when I thought my life was finally going to slow down enough for me to find some quiet time to be able to collect my never ending thoughts and ideas in a coherent and not so insane way.

But… life took over again.

Case in point… currently as I write… I am laying on my beautiful white linen couch listening to the wind and the rain on a beautiful December evening. Our Christmas lights on the porch and tree are twinkling …Christmas music softly playing but not too loudly that I can’t still hear the horses next door or the train whistle in the distance, WHILE….

our THREE  5 month old puppies are wrestling (and humping )each other on top of me !

yes…. that is my life in a nutshell.

My point????

I suppose I’ve been waiting for that perfect moment to start doing what I really want to do.

( I … of course…moved out from under the little shits over to the table to continue… and …of course… they are now under my chair carrying on with their bad selves.)

Is it any wonder why I can’t collect my crazy long enough to start,  let alone finish anything?

Clearly that perfect time will never come.   Clearly my life will alway be crazy… in a good way. There is alway something funny, silly crazy going on in this house, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. How boring would THAT life be?

So I am hoping to just start.

That will be  my focus for now. Here is where I chose to start.

I have so many ideas and thoughts I’d like to express and share and discuss.

Countless  things I want to do and create,  and so many places I want to see and experience.

And quite a few stupid , silly moments … because laughter is key to a happy life. …and dancing.

Also, I’ve learned that if you have a creative mind,  you either find a way and the time to use it…. or you lose it.    Your mind that is.

By choice… I have spent the last 20 plus years making sure that my family has had everything they wanted and needed to make them happy and healthy.  It was my career choice. My job title??  Home Manager … specializing in child development and family wellness.

I despise the phrase “ stay at home Mom” .

I am so grateful for those years and the opportunity to be a Career Mother . My husband and I worked really hard to make that choice happen. Now… Our family makes me so proud and our kids are turning into two incredible humans . And… my husband and I still Like each other.


While most certainly I will be sharing my many wonderful memories as well as the difficult lessons learned along the way, What I am really after is to discover  who I am now.


who I am choosing to become.