rollercoaster

A huge part and the most dangerous part of my anxiety is when it tells me to

“push through it”.

When I start to feel it …anxiety … instead of slowing down , the ” fix it” anxious mind kicks in and tells me to “get up and get going.”

When I get going in that take charge space ” I got this, I don’t need help”, anxiety says to me… “I’ll do this …then this, this, this, this, this, and this… All at the same time of course… and when I’m done – everything will be good.

under control.

I will feel better and THEN you can rest.”

It’s like I’ve been pressured into climbing onto a rollercoaster . Once I’m on, it’s kinda fun-but kinda scary. I never really wanted to be on it but now that I am, I ” think fast” on how I can control it, even though I am only the rider. Just lean into this upcoming curve and grip as tight as I can… I’ll be fine… maybe even in control.

But I’m not.

My body is telling my mind what it is trying to ignore because … well… I can’t get off.

So It takes over.

First the heart…racing. Then Adrenaline rushing to all parts of me. The scream in my throat that as much as I try to keep it there, in place, comes out. My head is spinning. Eyes can’t focus on anything, face contorted from the pressure coming at me full speed … I might even be laughing but I don’t mean to…. I want this ride, I never wanted to get on, to END.

I want off, but… I know I’m on until I either pass out, someone realizes how bad I am and stops the ride… and how embarrassing would THAT be???

or…. I have to just ride it out.

Once It stops and everyone else is laughing ( a lot of people enjoy rollercoasters) “lets go again “and” that was awesome” ..

I am exhausted and want to throw up.

Today I found myself at the head of the line to the rollercoaster. I actually had one foot on… ready to take my seat and buckle up.

but…

I’ve learned the hard way , and actually am still learning, to recognize the ride…

to GET OFF or to

JUST NOT GET ON IN THE FIRST PLACE.

to

Not let anyone lure me on, not make myself get on it… for their benefit or to hide my feelings… not expose my faults.

No “pushing through” ANYTHING.

What I need to do in that moment is find a nice place in the shade of life and sit.

Maybe eat something healthy, read something healthy, drink something healthy…

write it out… talk it out… dance it out… but mostly just

sit, breathe and rest.

That’s what “fixes it”.

Let them go , with out me, if they want…

I’ll be fine,

until the park closes and I can go home.

One thought on “rollercoaster

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