Ima  let y’all in on a little secret…I’m a little silly.

Only my bestest of family and friends know that,

But part of the exercise I’m calling this so~jane blog… is to allow myself to be truly and completely me… Out Loud.. without worrying what others  (others being ya’ll) might think.

Of course this only applies to the nicest sides of me. Not to worry…  I am in no way suggesting I let loose any rude thoughts or behaviors on the world just because I might say.. think someone to be a dumbass or something … I mean who am I to say they are a dumbass… and maybe , quite possibly they might have a perfectly good reason for their dumbassery that I just might not be privy to.  So I will continue to try and filter my thoughts and words because the LAST thing I would EVER want is to hurt or offend anyone.  This I have learned the hard way in my youth ( insert sincere , public and universal apology to anyone that may apply to).

Back to my point.

I am silly.  Always have been… always hope to be.

So…

Forewarned … I  WILL be sharing some of my silly here from time to time and maybe be encouraging a little silly out of you.

Today… my workout got a little silly…..

on the treadmill…

And as I was dancing and singing at the top of my lungs horribly… missing words and beats and applying my own kind of “harmony “ here and there , I was thinking THIS is why I could never workout at a gym. Because that kind of behavior is always involved.

When I exercise, it’s not just for my body, but for my mind as well. I am releasing as much pent-up physical and mental negative energy as I can and just letting that crap go.

soooo…

during todays shenanigans I thought… “L.O.L. “ …..”If anyone SAW me!”

And  then I thought… “why not”?   “Why NOT see me”?

Worse case scenario they would get a damn good laugh…

BEST case scenario…

It would go viral… gathering gazillion and bazillion views and likes and shares…and finally being brought to the attention of Kenny Chesney and PINK!     (setting the world on fire) and they would LOVE it so much they would take me on tour with them and during that song…( setting the world on fire)…  MAGICALLY … a treadmill would appear and I would be on it! And there in front of Ginormous croud of cheering and laughing and happy people … I…. WE…..would all ….

GET OUR SILLY ON!

And  what…I ask… is wrong with THAT fantasy?

Sadly…I did not get any of this on video…

at least not TODAY. 

There is fly poop on our window sills.    And our well water smells.   And damn if that ain’t real mud in our mud room.

Life on a farm is not like what you see on TV.   And  I’m betting even beautiful, amazingly talented, sweet, hardassworkin’ Joanna Gaines would agree.  I’m certain they have fly poop on their windowsills from time to time, but the camera won’t let ya’ll in on that little dirty secret.

I   …   LOVE….   IT ….OUT …..HERE!          It’s my dream.

But it’s a lot of continuous work and it’s dirty work. Mud rooms aren’t all perfect and clean and organized In the #realfarmlife  …they STAY muddy out here.

I got my baby chicks the other day. … They are residing in my guest bathroom for now. Being the rookie farmer that I am I just couldn’t THINK of leaving those fluffy little babies outside. CAN YOU IMAGINE??? …. ALONE????!!!     Also… I’m never going to be able to eat chicken again.  dammit!

Aside from working on the coop that they will eventually be moved to, I’ve also been busy tucking in flower bulbs for the winter, And planting winter lettuces and adding trees here and there …everywhere ….. eee eye eeee eye ohh.

And just plain getting dirty.

I Will say , it’s getting increasingly harder and harder to leave this place. And if I do make it to…. say …a friends house? … perfectly decorated and void of any animal hair or MUD….in a beautifully manicured neighborhood…???     It can also be hard to come back.

But the work in progress out here is me.   It’s so Jane.

It’s who I am.

I am not manicured and not void of mud or animal hair…never have been…never will be.

And  the sigh that breaks free from my lungs EVERY SINGLE TIME  that I pull onto our drive ,

snaps me out of thinking it would be nice to live any other way.

Well… maybe without the fly poop… I could live without the fly poop.

In trying to figure out how to set this blog up I searched and searched for a picture of me for my profile photo and discovered there are none. I have a GAZILLION of my kids and dogs and some of Paul but only a very few of myself… and the ones I do have are really bad of me documenting  how goofy or unattractive I can actually be. L.O.L!!!

I love being silly and I do love the part of me that is not afraid of looking bad.  But allowing myself to look good????  Is really difficult. I have a few ideas of where THAT issue comes from, but I’ll Only share one for now…

You see where I come from… and when I come from … meaning my generation… it was considered conceited to try too hard to look good.  And don’t get me started on taking photos of yourself… can you say “ stuck up”???  That was the worst insult… to be called stuck up.

I don’t know how to act or be in front of the camera other than making a silly face . I used to get in trouble for it as a kid… there goes Janie ruining the picture… haha

i DO have a goofy smile. But I can’t understand people who don’t smile for a photo. Think Victoria Beckham … she is SO beautiful ! And stylish! And seems like a genuinely kind and loving person… but frankly she looks miserable to me.  I don’t want to look miserable. I’m not miserable. I’m happy and goofy and silly… but it might be nice to look beautiful from time to time…

so~

I’ll work on it. 😊

Countless  times throughout my days here on our farm I realize I am actually living the dream. My dream. The one I’ve had for as long as I can remember. The one I worked for , and the one I’ve been gifted.

When I was a child, The only toys I remember really loving was the Fischer price animal barn…with the “Peoples”… and the animals.  AND… my collection of plastic horses.  I wanted a horse so badly. I wanted to live on a farm and raise animals and have pies in the open window and white sheets blowing on the clothesline…and horses grazing in the front pasture… you know … that romantic version of a beautiful country farm. That was my childhood dream.

The dream home would be filled with a kind and loving family.  A husband and wife who truly loved and more importantly liked each other.  There would be happy children and dogs, tire swings and a pond that the dogs would play in.  Fruit trees, and vegetable gardens,  berry patches….. CHICKENS! … can’t forget the chickens!

My reality …. was quite different.  My reality consisted of a broken family.  We were all broken in our own ways.  Divorce, alcoholism, mental illness,  ANGER,  sadness, loneliness  , fear… meanness, neglect, insecurity,  jealousy ,  ignorance,  fear….. always fear.   In short, everything in complete opposition of Love.  My only saving Grace was the gift of knowing there was the possibility of something different…something much better.

So~

As an adult I worked incredibly hard at learning how to be different so that I could create my own better reality.  I read countless books… did 12 steps…remembered God… entered into and removed myself from unhealthy situations , observed healthier people and families I met along the way… and studied my thoughts and feelings endlessly.  Like I said… I did the WORK. 

And NOWWWWW!  Insert happy face…

I am here.

And every part of my being smiles.  Paul and I have this beautiful creation… this masterpiece of a life.  A little white farmhouse created in my fantasies , drawn and designed by my own two hands , built under my direction and paid for buy his incredible work ethic …  A chicken coupe with baby chicks on their way… newly planted berry patches next to our tiny pond that we can’t keep our dogs out of… a tire swing and white sheets blowing in the winds… trees EVERYWHERE… and bright green pastures anxiously awaiting and calling for horses .

All this built by lonely nights, countless tears and many more mistakes.  By book after book after book… by working two or three jobs at a time. By careful choices and promises made and kept. By sleepless nights and giving our hearts and souls to new lives and babies and soul mates.

Here

I am … WE …are here.

at last.

I’ve talked to god my whole life.

God, The Universe, A Higher Power, Great Spirit…. whatever the name, I feel it’s all the same.

I share with him my worries and my fears.

I ask for help and guidance, I pray for others, (sometimes someone specific, always for anyone hurting in any way), but mostly I offer my thanks and Gratitude… Even in the most difficult of times.

Lately I’ve been making a small gesture more.

I kneel while I pray.

At some point in my day, I stop what I am doing and get down on my knees , place my forehead on the ground… and I pray.

Clearly this is no new concept … I remember doing it at night as a child.. by my bedside… “now I lay me down to sleep”… on my knees …prayer hands under my chin… head bowed… and even as my small self realizing the power in this simple act.

I started again, some 40 + years later during this summer’s hurricane , huddled with my dogs in a small interior closet while tornadoes touched down around us for most of the night.

It was… for the first time…that I felt in fear for my life, and I was humbled in the most complete and powerful way as I experienced powers so much greater than myself.

I felt both this worldly power and the great power of Gods comfort.

So~

now daily,  I humble myself … while I pray.

To not only give thanks… to pray for others…. ask for guidance….and offer up my worries and fears…

but to gift myself with a reminder of his ever presence … his comfort…

And his great power of Grace.

It’s raining.

no thunder.

All of the windows are fogged because of the AC, so I’m sitting on my front porch with the pups.

exhaling.

and now the rain is gone. It was just a short “storm” that I am grateful for. It was a gift, causing a moment of pause.

and now… a rainbow.

faint, but there.

and now… it too is gone. So easily missed had I not looked up.

now … as if in a “glass half empty/half full” moment… the sky is divided straight down the middle…

blue and clear on one side… cloudy and gray on the other.

symbolic messages all around me.

and as I sit here trying to process and enjoy it all, the dogs are pacing,circling, panting, and shaking.  Staring at me with fearful eyes.

Yesterday was the 4th of July and they were pretty traumatized. This rain to them means thunder and scary loud noises.

another lesson…

because of their past experiences they fear the present instead of seeing it for what it really is.  A nice quiet moment.

Years ago, in the midst of a full blown panic attack, I came up with a mantra to say over and over again to help pull myself out of the dark tunnel called fear.  The one where every possible bad thought imaginable is coming at me from all around, and my body is telling me to be ready for it all.

it is simply…

I can not fear, what is not here.

i use it still… to redirect my thoughts to focus on only the moment at hand.  And I’ve learned over the years that the “Moment” …

is always manageable.

and now… in an instant… it all has passed.

the storm, the rainbow, the calm and the fear.

the clouds are still lingering… but mostly I see beautiful Carolina blue sky…

it is brilliant,    And I am grateful for the pause.